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Band 7 model GMAT task 2 essay reviewed (by ex-GMAT examiner)

In this tutorial we have a band 7 essay graded by an ex-GMAT examiner (from our team of essay correctors!).

First you can read the essay, and after we break down which sentences helped this essay score a band 7.

Take a look at some GMAT writing task 2 questions to help your prepare for your GMAT task 2.

Each criteria has been considered and the sentence in the essay has been colour coded to correspond to the fours marking criteria used by the British Council / GMAT IDP.

This tutorial will help you understand:

  • How an essay gets a band 7
  • What sentence structures and language is needed for a band 7 in the GMAT writing
  • How you can link ideas smoothly

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

It is well known that some countries have a population with more young people than old people. Even this fact could have both advantages and disadvantages, In my opinion the positive implications of having a youthful population over-weigh the negative ones. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages giving examples to support both points of view.

On one hand, having more younger people could lead to a lack of professionals in the society. Older population may be more educated than the young one, this is being why they have had more time to study a professional career during their lives.

For example, to become a specialist physician it is needed at least 10 years of university studies and this may not be able for a young adult yet. In addition, younger population have less life experience than old population. People after their 50’s may have been through a lot in life and they may be more prepared to solve any day-life problem than younger people. This could help to form a less stressful society.

Lastly, younger populations are likely to have higher rate of crime, this could be because young people have more energy to commit crime than old people. A study from the University of Chile showed that in the south of Chile, where the population is mostly young, the rate of robs and crimes where twice higher than in the north where most of the population where in their 50’s and older.

On the other hand, youthful populations are in general more active and more happy. This may be because they have less old age-associated illness leading them to work more and maintain them-self more active. Adding to the fact that healthy people can work more efficiently, with this they can contribute to the economy of the country, making money instead of spending.

For instance, it is a fact that old societies spend a lot of money in health for their old citizens. Another positive aspect of having young adult populations is that there are more chances of having outstanding sport professionals. Young people have more time and more energy than old people to practice and become an excellent sport professional.

In soccer most of the players retires from their soccer-career when they turn thirty years old. With old people there would be no time to start a sport career. And last but not least, young societies are more likely to have outdoor activities for the community. This could be because they are more proactive in organize those activities and also more likely to participate in them. Old people may be too tired to go out.

To conclude with the arguments given above, I firmly believe that the advantages of youthful population over-weigh the  disadvantages. Even though, there are some positive aspects of having an older population that we should consider.

It is well known that some countries have a population with more young people than old people (TR1). Even (CC1) this fact could have both advantages and disadvantages, In (GR1) my opinion the positive implications of having a youthful population overweigh the negative ones (TR2). This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages (LR1) giving examples to support both points of view.

TR1 - Good to begin by paraphrasing the question.
CC1 - Check the meaning / use of ‘even’.
GR1 - Check your use of punctuation.
TR2 - Good to state your opinion clearly.
LR1 - A bit repetitive. Try to vary your use of vocabulary if you can.

On one hand (CC2) / (TR3) having more younger people could lead to a lack of professionals in the society. Older population may be more educated than the young one, this is being why (LR2) they have had more time to study a professional career during their lifes (LR3). For example (CC3) / (TR4), to become a specialist physician it is needed at least 10 years of university studies and this may not be able for a young adult yet (GR3). In addition, younger population have less life experience than old population. People after their 50’s (LR4) may have been through a lot in life (LR5) and they may be more prepared to solve any day-life problem than younger people. This could help to form a less stressful society. Lastly, younger populations are likely to have higher rate of crime, this could be because young people have more energy to commit crime than old people. A study from the University of Chile (TR5) showed that in the south of Chile, where the population is mostly young (GR4), the rate of robs (LR6) and crimes where twice higher than in the north where most of the population where in their 50’s and older.

CC2 - An appropriate phrase to introduce your first ‘body paragraph’.
TR3 - Good organisation / use of paragraphing.
LR2 - because
LR3 - life (singular), lives (plural)
CC3 - Appropriate language to introduce an example.
TR4 - Good to include an example to support your idea.
GR3 - Some problems with sentence structure here. Perhaps ‘specialist physicians require at least… and young adults have not yet had time to accumulate this knowledge..’?
LR4 - Perhaps ‘who are over fifty’.
LR5 - Perhaps a bit on the informal side, but lovely natural use of language.
TR5 - Again, good to use examples to support your comments.
GR4 - Accurate use of a relative clause.
LR6 - Take care here. ‘Rob’ is a verb - and the noun is ‘robbery’.

On the other hand (CC4) / (TR6), youthful populations are in general more active and more happy. This may be because (CC5) they have less old age-associated illness leading them to work more and maintain them-self more active (LR7). Adding to the fact that healthy people can work more efficiently, with this they can contribute to the economy of the country, making money instead of spending (GR4). For instance, it is a fact that old societies spend a lot of money in health for their old citizens (LR8). Another positive aspect of having young adult  populations is that there are more chances of having outstanding sport professionals. Young people have more time and more energy than
old people to practice and become an excellent sport professional. In soccer most of the players retires (GR5) from their soccer-career when they turn thirty years old (LR9). With old people there would be no time to start a sport career. And last but not least (CC6), young societies are more likely to have outdoor activities for the community. This could be because they are more proactive in organize those activities and also more likely to participate in them. Old people may be too tired to go out.

CC4 - A suitable phrase to begin the second ‘body paragraph’.
TR6 - Appropriate organisation / use of paragraphs.
CC5 - Smooth use of referencing to link to the previous sentence.
LR7 - This sounds a bit odd. Perhaps ‘stay / keep (more) active’.
GR4 - spending it
LR8 - This could be more natural. Perhaps ‘on health care for their senior citizens’?
GR6 - … most of the players / most players retire…
LR9 - Natural use of vocabulary.
CC6 - Perhaps a little informal, but very natural use of language.

To conclude (CC7) / (TR7) with the arguments given above, I firmly believe that (TR8) the advantages of youthful population over-weigh the disadvantages (LR10). Even though, there are some positive aspects of having an older population that we should consider.

CC7 - An appropriate way to begin your final paragraph.
TR7 - Good organisation.
LR10 - Take care with spelling - ‘advantages’, ‘disadvantages’ - and you need ‘outweigh’ rather than ‘over-weigh’.
TR8 - Good to state your position clearly.

Probable score: 7.0 / 7.5

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